Akish The Philistine

Is this art?

2012-01-27T08:19:00.000+13:00

No, it's a feed of fish and chips. This is where artists go wrong; they get confused between practical things and things you can hang on your wall.
This is not art either...

Some idiot thought it was an put if in a gallery.
Wrong move.
You wouldn't put it in your living room so that guests could look at it. Only a moron would do that. It's a pile a sweets and belongs, in boxes, out back in a sweet shop.
Artists need to learn to be more discerning. They're not doing themselves any favours when they get it wrong.

Wet and cold today.

2011-11-10T10:55:00.000+13:00

I might be forced to visit an art gallery.

Actually, I might go to the video store and see if they have Dirty Harry.

Finally a piece of are I quite like...

2011-10-29T08:12:00.002+13:00

ART, what can you say?

2011-09-04T08:39:00.001+12:00

I came across these two pictures:

The first one is simply crap, but I thought that Richard (of RBB) might like the second one because there's a lady playing the cello, his instrument.

Some useful sculptures and installations.

2011-03-10T16:55:00.003+13:00

Art at Christmas.

2010-12-15T15:23:00.005+13:00

Art at Christmas reaches a new low. Shops are trying to sell any old shit - Elvis always manages to get in on the bloody act, and then we have all those awful Christmas decorations and soppy shots of the fat old bastard in red.

Christmas is a bloody depressing time... and you get to spend time with relatives.
I need a drink just bloody thinking about it!

New Dowse, same old shit.

2010-09-18T16:09:00.002+12:00

I saw Richard (of RBB), and his beautiful wife, at The New Dowse. Richard (of RBB) pointed out the interesting way the carpet was laid. He was right, the lines were sort of at at an angle of about forty five degrees and seemed to run right through the large cutting that led to the back room - a work of art. Unfortunately a lot of stuff on the walls was shit. Then there were some installations that someone had wasted a lot of time putting together.

I particularly hate art works that have a long explanation. Imagine buying something like that to put on (or near) your wall and, every time someone came into the room, having to try to explain the artist's intention. Call me a Philistine (which I am by accident of birth), but shouldn't the art work speak for itself?

I'm off to The New Dowse today.

2010-09-18T08:00:00.004+12:00

Sometimes I feel depressed after looking at crap, but the type of art that depresses me the most is what most people call crafts. This is the sort of art that is made a lot by children and old people; oh, and people who think they are gypsies, or hippies, or something. Unfortunately they allow this shit into The New Dowse. Planning a visit to The New Dowse? You have been warned.

What makes art good?

2010-08-15T08:23:00.006+12:00

I would have thought being able to draw would be the starting point for any artist. Though I suppose, if you want an accurate picture, you could just take a photo.
That brings up the question - what should artists be doing?
Let's have a look at some pictures:

I suppose this one could be an abstract impression of a pair of breasts, or a pair of eyes.

This one could be titled "Deformity at Birth". Maybe he just needed to put more effort into getting the eyes lined up?

I think this guy just got a little confused about what is painting and what is writing a book. Perhaps he just needed someone to say,
"No Colin, draw pictures. Words go in books,"?

Maybe some of these artists started painting before taking a few lessons? Perhaps someone should have taken them to an art gallery first, so that they would have known what they were supposed to be doing?
It all comes back to education. Bloody wishy-washy teachers! Don't get me started.

What the hell is Anselm doing with his blog?

2010-07-10T09:39:00.003+12:00

Does it ever get updated? Well, who cares? It's too bloody airy fairy! If I wanted to read a blog like that, I'd go and sit in a bloody art gallery for hours.

I'd look at pictures that were made by someone who couldn't draw. Then I'd go and have some Sushi for lunch. Then I'd drink a cup of herbal tea, preferably with bits of herbal rubbish floating in it.
Come on Anselm, get real. The world doesn't need another pointless bloody blog.

Soccer players are sissies.

2010-06-26T15:22:00.003+12:00

I got up to watch New Zealand play Paraguay. What a bloody waste of time! Even lying awake with nothing to do would have been better. Nothing happened, except that the poncy soccer players kept geiitng hurt. There, there little sissies. Soccer players need to harden up. Soccer players probably like to go to galleries and look at abstract art and pretend that they see something in it.

Only girls should be allowed to play soccer. Men who want to play soccer should be sent to a boot camp to toughen them up.

Annual Art Gallery report time.

2010-05-30T16:05:00.002+12:00

Crap, bloody crap everywhere. What happened to the days when a picture looked what it was supposed to be?

Dear Mr & Mrs Picasso,
Pablo could succeed in this subject if he took the time to learn to draw. Drawing people seems to be one of his biggest weaknesses; along with choosing appropriate colours. How's he doing in accounting class? I'm told that accountants can make good money. There's nothing wrong with having a day job.
Akish (TP)

I like Scotch.

2010-05-30T09:41:00.003+12:00

It's a good drink for getting plastered fast. I like the Scotch people too. Sure they're mostly pissed and trying to pick a fight but at least they don't waste their time making poncy art. Also, the bagpipes are an honest instrument, rich of tone and not needing amplification. Although, they're best not played after a neighbour has had a night on the Scotch.

Okay, let's talk about the southern sinfonia.

2010-04-17T08:10:00.003+12:00

I bet you've never heard them play. I visited their website to see when and where they're playing this year and here is what I found.
Oh shit, not another bloody orchestra doing the last night at the proms! I remember the days when school orchestras used to do this as a fund raiser. I would have expected a little more from an orchestra that boasts being from one of our better known cities. I read the 'about us' section. It was written by Dave Shaw himself. Dave, you certainly have a pompous way of writing.
My suggestion:
Fire Dave, both as a bass player and an article writer, and give the bleeding proms a rest unless you're planning putting on the whole damn thing and not just the last bit.

I've been away for a while.

2010-03-13T09:18:00.001+13:00

Mainly because the Arts Festival has been on in Wellington and it attracts too many arty weirdos. I'll be back and blogging this soon. I'm staying in Philistine for another couple of weeks.

New Year's Eve, what a racket!

2009-12-31T08:32:00.004+13:00

New Year's Eve is worse that being trapped at an art gallery. Every weirdo comes out to get pissed and get excited about another bloody year starting.

They should really go and get pissed in art galleries. At least then something would actually happen in these places - these places that tax payers have to prop up so that some wanker can fulfil his inner needs. I'd like to open an art gallery where there's a drawing test for anyone who wants to hang a picture there. Installations? Not bloody likely in my gallery! Anyway, maybe things will improve in 2010. Maybe we might see some real talent - maybe the National Government will have the balls to introduce a bullshit tax on artists. Well, here's hoping. I wouldn't hold my breath, if I were you.

Yayoi, what the bloody hell!, Kusama.

2009-11-29T16:40:00.004+13:00

Richard (of RBB) and Shelley took me to an art exhibition at the City Gallery in Wellington today. The ride in was interesting, the art was crap. Some Japanese lady had an obsession with dots and had created rooms that presumably were supposed to represent the inside of someone's stomach. Shelley spent well over an hour watching a documentary about her, so Richard (of RBB) and yours truly went out for a sandwich and a coffee. There were dots all over the outside of the art gallery. Maybe the lady had a thing about measles. You won't believe this but they charged us ten bucks each to look at this crap. Fortunately Richard (of RBB) paid. I donated $2 towards the cost of the sandwiches and coffee. Richard (of RBB) looked grateful, as he should be after wasting my time looking at some old bird's weirdo fantasies. I suggested that we all go to a sports bar next weekend. Richard (of RBB) mumbled something, but I didn't quite catch it. I hope he's not going all arty farty on me!

Walking is for sissies.

2009-11-23T06:17:00.004+13:00

Real men dig holes in roads to keep fit, or they play rugby. They certainly don't walk around the block.

Walking is for women, and arty people.
I suppose it's okay to walk if you're exercising a dog - as long as you walk directly to and from a park. Tramping is okay if you're going into the bush to shoot something. Otherwise it's pointless and the money spent on boots is wasted.

Artists and musicians are lazy good for nothings.

2009-11-11T16:20:00.004+13:00

It's no coincidence that art rhymes with fart - both words could be considered a shit warning. I went out for a meal the other night. We had over priced food that looked like the chef had difficulty putting it on the plate - it was all sort of stacked up in the middle. I suspect that the chef was blind. It put me off a bit thinking of his hands slobbering all over my plate as he tried to arrange the food. Okay, I can live with a blind chef; at least he's doing an honest night's work. What really got to me was that, as we sat talking, some wanker showed up with a bloody bass and started playing. I say bass, but it looked like a big cello. Was he there to stifle conversation? Are we not supposed to talk in restaurants these days? Anyway, if you're going to play a tune, why not do it on a tune instrument? Bass is presumably designed to play bass notes. I approached this guy and politely asked him to play quieter. I said that I was with my deaf old dad - a lie but he bought it.
This guy could have been better employed cleaning dishes in the kitchen.

Please musicians who play silly things like basses, bagpipes, musical saws and the rest; if you want to make a din, please, please do it at home!

The mystery about women.

2009-10-17T08:41:00.002+13:00

One thing is for sure, women definitely aren't as smart as men. For Christ's sake, how many women can build a bridge or fix your chariot. Yeah, and I've never seen a woman who could build a wall like Robert does (check out his great blog). Women do know how to drink wine - does that make The Wine Guy a bit of a woman? I think women are better off staying at home doing women's work and arty things and leaving the real jobs to men.

Picture framing is to art what a toilet is to a house.

2009-09-30T16:36:00.003+13:00

Putting art in a picture frame is like putting clothes in a suitcase. Maybe the frame is supposed to protect the walls from crappy art? I love the word 'art'. It's full of perceived deepness.
"Hey, this is art!"
More than likely it's just someone trying to paint who can't.
There hasn't been a serious performer since Helen Reddy. I'm going to say that! Most modern performers can't sing, are overweight and weird. Helen knew how to sing stuff that people liked. That's it for today.

Now, here's a picture with a bit of deep meaning!

2009-09-26T12:24:00.000+12:00

Too many wankers are making things, or trying to.

2009-08-23T16:46:00.003+12:00

Some days I wake up and I think,
"Isn't art crap!"
These are good days. Days of clear thought.
I mean, look at the attached bloody pictures! There's bloody nothing on them - not even a scrap of paint! Even a monkey would at least do something!

So, why can't artists draw or paint?

2009-08-08T22:24:00.005+12:00

A lot of modern art looks like the artist can't even bloody draw!
So, why do they choose to do something that they're obviously useless at?

Maybe some of these 'artists' could become really good plumbers!
Maybe some of them would fit in well into one of those teams of men who fix up the roads.

In any case, someone needs to say to them,
"Please stay away from painting and drawing! It's just not bloody happening!"

Art is a good pass time for women.

2009-08-05T17:31:00.002+12:00

Art is a good pass time for women - things like fashion keep them trying to look good for a man and painting can help fill in a day at home, with bloody kids, when they don't have much to do. I can't understand why a man would want to paint poncy little pictures or hang around in a community orchestra making second rate music with elderly women.

Men should do things like play snooker, running around the block and going to strip clubs. I also hate men who confess to cooking. Is that gay or bloody what? It's time that a lot of men pulled up their socks - if you choose to do womanly things like painting, picture framing, decorating, cooking, looking after small children and sculpture you might as well become a bloody woman. I don't trust wine drinkers too. Come on men, let's try to get it right. Rebuild an engine or something!

Stay away from art galleries.

2009-07-30T11:02:00.003+12:00

I went to an art gallery on Sunday; only because it was raining and I was bored. It was full of crap. The artists, whose work was on display, need to take drawing lessons, or painting lessons, or something.

One thing is for sure, I wouldn't let them anywhere near my house with a paint brush!

Now here's an example of good art!

2009-07-21T06:44:00.002+12:00

I love that new show on TV2 called The Singing Bee. Now there's a class bloody show! $10,000 is up for grabs each week on The Singing Bee as ordinary New Zealanders take to the stage and test their lyrical knowledge.
A live studio band and Candy Lane's dance troop, The Honey Bees, also join Jordan on stage each week.
Jordan Vandermade returns to lead this weekly entertainment extravaganza with some new and exciting elements that differ a tad from last season's format. This year themed episodes are thrown into a half-hour viewing bonanza!
"An awesome aspect of this season is that every night is themed which means every one at home is going to be singing and dancing along to their favourites." says Jordan. "The Singing Bee this season is a shorter format which simply means we've jam packed one huge party into 30 minutes!"
"The Honey Bees are back and hotter than ever," producer Tony Holden said. "If you enjoyed last season then you're going to love what we've got in store for you in
2009. It seems Kiwis are embracing this style of entertainment."
The only bloody thing that could improve this show would be to have Jason Gunn as co-host with Jordan!

Rock music sucks!

2009-07-16T16:08:00.002+12:00

I'm bloody sick of pentatonic scales! And I'm sick of that boom tack boom tack beat! God, I'd rather even listen to a string bloody quartet! Eric Clapton? An untalented dick! Tears in Heaven? Tears coming out my arse if he doesn't shut up! Rock music is too bloody loud. That's why old buggers like Comeinyourpants are all deaf and grumpy - they've listened to too much of the bloody stuff!

String quartets make me want to throw up!

2009-07-16T07:48:00.000+12:00

I can't stand string quartets, mainly because the players look so bloody pompous when they play. What makes them feel so bloody high and mighty? They sit there and play bloody music that you can't even dance to. Come on string quartets, either play something we all know or bloody shut up!