New Year's Eve, what a racket!

New Year's Eve is worse that being trapped at an art gallery. Every weirdo comes out to get pissed and get excited about another bloody year starting.

They should really go and get pissed in art galleries. At least then something would actually happen in these places - these places that tax payers have to prop up so that some wanker can fulfil his inner needs. I'd like to open an art gallery where there's a drawing test for anyone who wants to hang a picture there. Installations? Not bloody likely in my gallery! Anyway, maybe things will improve in 2010. Maybe we might see some real talent - maybe the National Government will have the balls to introduce a bullshit tax on artists. Well, here's hoping. I wouldn't hold my breath, if I were you.

Yayoi, what the bloody hell!, Kusama.

Richard (of RBB) and Shelley took me to an art exhibition at the City Gallery in Wellington today. The ride in was interesting, the art was crap. Some Japanese lady had an obsession with dots and had created rooms that presumably were supposed to represent the inside of someone's stomach. Shelley spent well over an hour watching a documentary about her, so Richard (of RBB) and yours truly went out for a sandwich and a coffee. There were dots all over the outside of the art gallery. Maybe the lady had a thing about measles. You won't believe this but they charged us ten bucks each to look at this crap. Fortunately Richard (of RBB) paid. I donated $2 towards the cost of the sandwiches and coffee. Richard (of RBB) looked grateful, as he should be after wasting my time looking at some old bird's weirdo fantasies. I suggested that we all go to a sports bar next weekend. Richard (of RBB) mumbled something, but I didn't quite catch it. I hope he's not going all arty farty on me!

Walking is for sissies.

Real men dig holes in roads to keep fit, or they play rugby. They certainly don't walk around the block.

Walking is for women, and arty people.
I suppose it's okay to walk if you're exercising a dog - as long as you walk directly to and from a park. Tramping is okay if you're going into the bush to shoot something. Otherwise it's pointless and the money spent on boots is wasted.

Artists and musicians are lazy good for nothings.

It's no coincidence that art rhymes with fart - both words could be considered a shit warning. I went out for a meal the other night. We had over priced food that looked like the chef had difficulty putting it on the plate - it was all sort of stacked up in the middle. I suspect that the chef was blind. It put me off a bit thinking of his hands slobbering all over my plate as he tried to arrange the food. Okay, I can live with a blind chef; at least he's doing an honest night's work. What really got to me was that, as we sat talking, some wanker showed up with a bloody bass and started playing. I say bass, but it looked like a big cello. Was he there to stifle conversation? Are we not supposed to talk in restaurants these days? Anyway, if you're going to play a tune, why not do it on a tune instrument? Bass is presumably designed to play bass notes. I approached this guy and politely asked him to play quieter. I said that I was with my deaf old dad - a lie but he bought it.
This guy could have been better employed cleaning dishes in the kitchen.

Please musicians who play silly things like basses, bagpipes, musical saws and the rest; if you want to make a din, please, please do it at home!

The mystery about women.

One thing is for sure, women definitely aren't as smart as men. For Christ's sake, how many women can build a bridge or fix your chariot. Yeah, and I've never seen a woman who could build a wall like Robert does (check out his great blog). Women do know how to drink wine - does that make The Wine Guy a bit of a woman? I think women are better off staying at home doing women's work and arty things and leaving the real jobs to men.

Picture framing is to art what a toilet is to a house.

Putting art in a picture frame is like putting clothes in a suitcase. Maybe the frame is supposed to protect the walls from crappy art? I love the word 'art'. It's full of perceived deepness.
"Hey, this is art!"
More than likely it's just someone trying to paint who can't.
There hasn't been a serious performer since Helen Reddy. I'm going to say that! Most modern performers can't sing, are overweight and weird. Helen knew how to sing stuff that people liked. That's it for today.

Now, here's a picture with a bit of deep meaning!

Too many wankers are making things, or trying to.

Some days I wake up and I think,
"Isn't art crap!"
These are good days. Days of clear thought.
I mean, look at the attached bloody pictures! There's bloody nothing on them - not even a scrap of paint! Even a monkey would at least do something!

So, why can't artists draw or paint?

A lot of modern art looks like the artist can't even bloody draw!
So, why do they choose to do something that they're obviously useless at?

Maybe some of these 'artists' could become really good plumbers!
Maybe some of them would fit in well into one of those teams of men who fix up the roads.

In any case, someone needs to say to them,
"Please stay away from painting and drawing! It's just not bloody happening!"

Art is a good pass time for women.

Art is a good pass time for women - things like fashion keep them trying to look good for a man and painting can help fill in a day at home, with bloody kids, when they don't have much to do. I can't understand why a man would want to paint poncy little pictures or hang around in a community orchestra making second rate music with elderly women.

Men should do things like play snooker, running around the block and going to strip clubs. I also hate men who confess to cooking. Is that gay or bloody what? It's time that a lot of men pulled up their socks - if you choose to do womanly things like painting, picture framing, decorating, cooking, looking after small children and sculpture you might as well become a bloody woman. I don't trust wine drinkers too. Come on men, let's try to get it right. Rebuild an engine or something!

Stay away from art galleries.

I went to an art gallery on Sunday; only because it was raining and I was bored. It was full of crap. The artists, whose work was on display, need to take drawing lessons, or painting lessons, or something.

One thing is for sure, I wouldn't let them anywhere near my house with a paint brush!

Now here's an example of good art!

I love that new show on TV2 called The Singing Bee. Now there's a class bloody show! $10,000 is up for grabs each week on The Singing Bee as ordinary New Zealanders take to the stage and test their lyrical knowledge.
A live studio band and Candy Lane's dance troop, The Honey Bees, also join Jordan on stage each week.
Jordan Vandermade returns to lead this weekly entertainment extravaganza with some new and exciting elements that differ a tad from last season's format. This year themed episodes are thrown into a half-hour viewing bonanza!
"An awesome aspect of this season is that every night is themed which means every one at home is going to be singing and dancing along to their favourites." says Jordan. "The Singing Bee this season is a shorter format which simply means we've jam packed one huge party into 30 minutes!"
"The Honey Bees are back and hotter than ever," producer Tony Holden said. "If you enjoyed last season then you're going to love what we've got in store for you in
2009. It seems Kiwis are embracing this style of entertainment."
The only bloody thing that could improve this show would be to have Jason Gunn as co-host with Jordan!

Rock music sucks!

I'm bloody sick of pentatonic scales! And I'm sick of that boom tack boom tack beat! God, I'd rather even listen to a string bloody quartet! Eric Clapton? An untalented dick! Tears in Heaven? Tears coming out my arse if he doesn't shut up! Rock music is too bloody loud. That's why old buggers like Comeinyourpants are all deaf and grumpy - they've listened to too much of the bloody stuff!

String quartets make me want to throw up!

I can't stand string quartets, mainly because the players look so bloody pompous when they play. What makes them feel so bloody high and mighty? They sit there and play bloody music that you can't even dance to. Come on string quartets, either play something we all know or bloody shut up!